Blimey!

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

Your Call

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

"Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply. The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir." The captain is furious and replies "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

The response: "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Snapped

"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof." "What did you do?" asked his friend. "I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift." "Did it help?" "Not really. Tomorrow we're selling the sailboat and my golf clubs."

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